Supporting Someone Through Grief and Loss

Understanding the Depth of Grief

In our lives, few experiences rival the profound impact of losing someone or something significant. This journey through grief is complex and deeply personal, marked by a range of emotions that can be overwhelming for those left behind. Counselors and therapists who work closely with those in client sessions often emphasize the importance of listening, acknowledging, holding space, and bearing witness to their pain during these challenging times.

Grief in Our Society

Grief takes many forms in society. Consider the friend who lost a family member or a friend unexpectedly and is grappling with the sudden absence in their life. Or the colleague who is mourning the end of a long-term relationship and navigating the complexities of starting anew. Or someone who has lost their beloved pet. As much as it hurts us to see them hurt, it is helpful to know that they are trying their best to navigate their grief. These examples highlight the universal nature of grief and the diverse ways it manifests in our lives.

The Power of Presence

In such moments, the initial impulse is often to offer words of comfort or coping strategies to keep busy—to ease their pain in some way. However, the crucial realization is that what grieving individuals truly need is for their grief to be acknowledged and honored. Acknowledging and witnessing someone’s grief involves more than just passive listening; it requires active engagement with their story. Engaging them in conversation about their loved one—asking about their favorite memories together, their shared experiences, and the impact their presence had on their life—creates a safe space where their grief can be openly explored and validated.

The Importance of Sitting with Grief

Henri Nouwen once wrote, “The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion… that is a friend who cares.” These words resonate deeply in the context of supporting someone through grief. It’s about being present with them in their pain, without trying to diminish or fix it. One of the most crucial aspects of supporting someone through grief is the willingness to “sit with” their pain. Grieving is a highly individualized process, and everyone navigates it on their own timeline. Rushing to fix or alleviate the grief can inadvertently dismiss the depth of their emotions and the significance of their loss. Grief, by its nature, is not something that can be fixed or resolved; rather, it is something that needs to be validated and accompanied.

Supportive Approaches

Therapy can be an invaluable resource for those navigating grief. It provides a safe and confidential space where they can explore their feelings, memories, and struggles without fear of judgment or pressure to “move on.” We do not move on from such a significant loss, though we can move forward or move with the loss. Therapists are trained to offer compassionate support and tools to help individuals live with their grief in a manner that resonates best with the griever.

Creating a safe space for the grieving person to share their emotions and memories can also be incredibly supportive. This could be as simple as being a compassionate listener without trying to offer solutions or distractions. Allowing them to express their grief openly can help them process their emotions and feel less alone in their journey.

Encouraging the person to befriend their grief rather than fight it is another valuable approach. Grief is a natural response to loss and learning to coexist with it—acknowledging its presence without letting it consume one’s entire life—can be empowering.

Additionally, joining online grief support groups or attending grief circles provide a sense of community and understanding. These spaces offer a supportive environment where individuals can connect with others who are experiencing similar emotions and challenges. Sometimes, friends and family, despite their best intentions, may not fully understand the depth of grief or have the tools to support effectively. External support systems offer a non-judgmental space where individuals can freely express their feelings and receive validation from others who comprehend the complexities of grief.

Understanding Grief

Understanding grief is crucial for us to provide meaningful support to those experiencing loss. Here are several key points that are supportive to grasp about grief:

• Grief is Unique and Individual: Everyone experiences grief differently. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to grieving, and each person’s journey is shaped by their relationship with the deceased, their personality, and their coping mechanisms.

• There is No Timeline for Grief: Grieving is not something that follows a predictable timeline or set stages. It can be a lifelong process with ups and downs. It is helpful to understand that people may continue to grieve long after a loss, and that’s okay while keeping note of their mental health. Everyone grieves differently.

• Grief is Not Linear: Grieving is often described as a rollercoaster with unpredictable emotions. People may experience intense sadness, anger, guilt, or numbness at different times, and these feelings can resurface unexpectedly even after years.

• Grief Requires Being Met With, Not Fixing: It’s natural to want to alleviate someone’s pain, but grief cannot be fixed or erased. The most valuable support often comes from validating the grieving person’s emotions, listening without judgment, offering companionship and support through their journey, and allowing them to take all the time they need to process their grief.

• Talking About the Loss is Healing: Sharing memories and stories of the loss can be therapeutic for those grieving. While it takes courage, it can be incredibly healing and freeing to hold conversations about the loss, as it keeps their memory alive and acknowledges their impact on others’ lives. In addition, while grief can be incredibly painful, there is often a liberating aspect to sitting with it, allowing us to feel and process it deeply. When our grief is met with empathy and understanding by others, it creates a space for healing and connection, reminding us that we are not alone in our sorrow. This shared experience can foster a sense of community, providing comfort and support as we navigate the complexities of loss.

• Grief Can Impact All Aspects of Life: Grief can affect a person’s physical health, mental well-being, work performance, and relationships. It is most helpful to recognize that our loved ones may need time and understanding to navigate these challenges at their own time and pace.

• Different Types of Losses Require Different Forms of Support: Grief isn’t confined to the death of a loved one; it can also emerge from the loss of a pet, the end of a relationship, the loss of a job, or even significant shifts in our environment. It extends to the mourning of past wounds—both personal and collective—such as unhealed inner child wounds or eco-grief from the loss of nature and the environment. Understanding that grief can stem from a wide range of experiences, including these often overlooked losses, is crucial in offering the support and compassion needed to heal. No matter what kind of grief, grief is still grief.

• Support Doesn’t End After the Funeral: While immediate support is crucial, grief often continues long after the funeral or initial period of mourning. Continuous support and checking in with grieving loved ones can be invaluable.

• Everyone Grieves, Including Children and Teens (and animals): Children and teens experience grief too, though their expressions may differ from adults. Society can offer age-appropriate resources and support to help young people cope with loss in ways that feel right for each person.

• Grief Can Lead to Growth: While it may seem paradoxical, many individuals find that their experiences with grief lead to personal growth, increased empathy, and a deeper appreciation for life. It is helpful to recognize the resilience and strength that can emerge from grief.

Honoring Their Journey

Ultimately, supporting someone through grief is about honoring their unique journey and respecting the individuality of their grieving process. It’s about being present, offering empathy, courage, and understanding that healing is not about fixing but about accepting and integrating loss into one’s life story. By providing genuine support and encouraging healthy coping mechanisms, we can help our loved ones navigate their grief with strength and resilience while they learn to embrace their new reality.